Cadajavi. It is an invented word that describes, in one way, who I am, or perhaps, who I am not.

I am Ca. I existed independently for 29 years, but find it hard to remember what it was like to be without dajavi. I remember what I sought and who I saw myself to be. Learner. Driven. Athlete. Academic. Student. Traveler. Adventurer. Reader. God-chaser. Musician, singer and composer. Lover of nature and the outdoors. I lived life to the full for 11 adult years, following personal passions, seeking adventure, and training myself to follow God. I had expectations for an uncommon, prodigious, and satisfying life full of success.

Da came with little warning in a sudden engagement and marriage. Hardly knowing one another we joined and became one.. or at least tried to become one. I'm not sure I understand yet what oneness means in a marriage relationship. An argument could be made that in order to become one, I had to lose half of myself. But logic would demand that I was still whole and I had gained.... but the math is a bit difficult. Regardless, I no longer identified myself the same way. I was no longer just Ca, I was Da's wife, and Da himself was a bit of a complicated mess I couldn't wrap my head around. We did not share the same values or passions, although I tried my best to give him mine. Eventually the differences between us,(Outdoors vs indoors. Active vs sedentary. Adventurous vs hesitant. Learner vs play-er. Driven vs unmotivated) shaped me into something different, without my consent or even awareness of it. Twenty years with Da, going through these difficult give and take maneuvers has mixed me up quite a bit, revealing even more of who I am or have become. Controller. Manipulator. Withdrawer. Whiner. Improver. Teacher. Pusher. I am so much more common than I imagined and the prodigious, satisfying life has not been revealed, adding disappointment to the mix.

Ja and Vi joined this name 7 and 9 years into the marriage confusion. Identity fast became Mother, milk supplier, awake-at-all timer, rocker and comforter. From there it moved on, as it does for all mothers into organizer, playmate, and discipliner.  As they grow, more of me is revealed. Authoritarian. Yeller. Lecturer. Supervisor. Go-to-er-for-all-things. Lost item Finder. Educator. Food provider. Sit-&-wait-er. There are a multitude of things I am for these two. They are so much a part of me, in all their likeness and unlikeness. Twenty-four hours a day with them for 12 years or so has made us all into a little bit, well perhaps a large bit, of a messy, relational organism that is difficult to describe in parts, and difficult to manage each day. Those expectations I had for an uncommon, prodigious, and satisfying life full of success? I feel they have passed me by. I do cherish similar hopes for my children.

Which brings me to the point of the name, Cadajavi. As much as I try to define myself and who I am, I find I cannot separate myself from the others. I will never be, just me again.. I will never make another choice that doesn't take these people into account. When I want to know myself, I must be defined by the other three. Truth be told, I am engaged in an identity crisis. Trying to know myself better so that I can move forward. Attempting to rediscover passions only to find that they are no longer part of me. Seeking to define what parts of me are important to who I am, and what was never really me in the first place. It is a paradox that I can be me, yet not a definable me. What was true yesterday may not be true today, or tomorrow because the others are changing too. It must be another of the many paradoxes that exist in the Kingdom: the part exists, but it cannot exist without the whole. I am a whole part, but only part of the whole and life can't be defined in part, only the whole.

Cadajavi. Who am I really.. ?